The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize