Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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