I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
