He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
