Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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