He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
