I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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