if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
i think my cat just said my name.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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