Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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