Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
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