if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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