I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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