The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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