I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
