I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
