You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
