wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
