I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize