I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
