honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
