omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just had sex on a roof
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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