I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
