Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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