lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
