i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
