Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
