hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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