I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
