he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize