his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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