i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
