I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
