get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I think I just sharted jello shots
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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