you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
