Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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