My brain says no but my pants say off.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
