My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
