The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
