I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
even my farts smell like vagina
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
