worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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