And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
