I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
