R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
