Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
