tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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