my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
