Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
