Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
wanna go halves on a baby?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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