Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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