Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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