Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
being pregnant is like rehab
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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