I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
