Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
