You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
