The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
